Heart to Motherboard Confession

Hmm okay, I’m not really sure how to start. Assalamualaikum perhaps? How you doing today? I’m not sure how I’m feeling right now. Let’s just say I’m in a state of insecurity, scared, nervous, lost, confused and happy? It’s just so hard to describe the exact feeling I’m stuck into.

Perhaps I should just start with a question. Have you ever feel like there’s someone you always thought to never see again but you missed him so much that thinking about him only makes it worse? Well let me just say it straight, I have and I know how much it sucks to feel that way. However in my case, the boy I’m talking about suddenly reappear in my life recently. I have to admit, that’s by far the best thing that have ever happened to me this year. Well, the boy is no more and he has become a man I always knew he would be.

I’m so blessed and grateful to Allah because He gave me a second chance to be with him. I’m going to admit, I am not the most religious or good person in terms of religion. I have my doubts before this. I’m telling you this because I want to show you how much it is important to have faith. Whatever it is, you must have faith in something. I lost my ways before, but Alhamdulillah I have found my way back. It is hard but if you set things straight, you will not have to worry. God is always with you.

I’m saying all this because, Allah knows how much I pray for this thing to happen and He answered me. I never felt so ashamed in my life. Ashamed of how stupid I was, ashamed of my arrogance, ashamed of my sins and my unfaithfulness. He opened up my heart and leads me into the right path. Even though now I still forget Him sometimes but I’m trying my best to get back to Him.

It’s just… I don’t know how I’m supposed to thank Him. He is always there for me but I was so blind to see. No words can describe how awfully stupid I was. Astaghfirullah hal azim.

Okay, back to the topic. The boy I was talking about is my childhood sweetheart. I never realized how much I love him until I lose him. Now, he’s back into my life. He gave me the love and care I never knew I could have. He treated me like a princess. I am happy, so happy that I cried. I can’t afford to lose him again. My friends questioned me why should I be scared. Well, they don’t have the slightest idea what I’ve been through. I am paranoid. Good things never last and my happiness never stays. It only came once and left me hanging. Only the thought of that makes me scared.

And now, I am forced to remember all the good things in the past. I don’t want to but it is just too good to be left forgotten. I’m always wondering whether he still remembers me or not and yesterday, he showed me that he too never forgets. I don’t know why, but lately I am very fragile. My heart is like a hollow glass that can shatter in pieces if I dropped it again. So I’m holding it tightly but not too much as it can break as well.

I never knew there’s something much frightening than my fears of frogs and dentists. The fear of losing someone I care so much. There are so many people that have left my life and never tried to reach me again. I can never bear the pain again. It is so painful that sometimes I wish that everything is just a twisted dream and somebody should wake me up.

I never should have loved him more than I could bear. I’m not sure if he loved me back but he always given me hints and traces that he felt the same way as I am. But I’m scared to hope for the best because the best will always ends with the worst. What should I do? I am so lost in my own thoughts.